Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
