Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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