I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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