onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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