Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
two words: eviction party
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
