So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
