Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
