It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
