Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
