my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
