i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
