I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
