You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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