I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He better not be in your backpack
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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