The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
