I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
