Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
i dont even know how to be here
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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