just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
she told me i tasted like america
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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