I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize