the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
