I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
