Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
