If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
