Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Found your dick twin last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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