I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
