To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
