my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
