For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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