Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
