I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
