Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
