he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
