i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
