You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
