I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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