I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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