She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
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Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
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We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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