I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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