Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
