I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
