Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
