I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
