I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
