If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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