You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
