My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
