I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
