In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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