He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
