I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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