Kiss
Puke
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
