theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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