Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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