When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
