The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
tell me about the eggs
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
