At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
