like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
