shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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